Trying to Understand

After visiting three – yes three dentists – on Monday and being told that I might have a cyst, I got two mosquito bites that turned into these huge swollen bumps. The first one was over 4 inches in diameter and the second one is a bit smaller but equally as itchy. Thus, I couldn’t go play tennis with my friend on Wednesday nor could I go and have coffee with someone I met from church on Thursday. It was hard to even walk on Wednesday morning and I ended up sleeping half the day away after taking Benadryl.

I really don’t understand God and I would say I’m starting to struggle but the struggle to understand what He’s doing has already started. When I ask Him about it, I always get turned to verses in Job or places in Psalms where the psalmist speaks about God’s discipline in light of the trials in life.

I don’t know if I will ever understand what He’s doing. What I do know is that there’s this fear in my heart as I’m wondering ‘what’s next’. A dental cyst when I take meticulous care of my teeth? A car crash? Breaking a limb? What does God have planned for me next?

The upside to this that I understand Job now better than I ever have before. The reason why God allowed Job to go through those trials wasn’t to prove Satan wrong or to see whether or not Job was really true. It was to reveal things to Job that Job didn’t know about himself. Job claimed that he was perfect and free from sin and that he was a just man but God showed him that he wasn’t.

And something occurred to me the other day that maybe these trials are happening in anticipation of what God is going to do in my life for the future.

As I’m writing this, I’m still slightly in pain and just feeling 50% miserable. I don’t get it. I really don’t.

I wish God would show me why. What am I doing wrong?


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