Diiiiirty Laundry

So it’s been a few days and I’ve been feeling a little bit better. I felt normal again enough to exercise once or twice this week. Hopefully and prayerfully, I can start to just exercise again every day. Really looking forward to that.

I realized that everything that’s happened has been a crazy experience that I would never have expected. But it’s helped me come back to God and learn a powerful lesson about His discipline. I’ve learned that to be judged by God and to experience His discipline is beyond anything I’ve ever dreamed of.

In the past, my fears consisted of awkward social dinners and not getting promoted or people taking advantage of me. I realized though that even if I get to a point in my life where I’m doing well, making a steady income, in great health and etc, God is always watching me. It sounds paranoid but it’s true. What if during that time I get prideful again and I start to just be a big douche to people? God sees and then, like a loving Father, He’ll just help me learn – albeit through some not easy lessons – to come back to Him and to become grounded in Him again. To walk in a way that is worthy of Him.

It took just four hours this morning for me to realize just how very ‘urgh’ I can be. I try my best to be a good person and to be nice and easy to get along with but I never realized that I am actually more snobby than I realize. I made some comments this morning about my neighbors that, immediately, made me feel ashamed.

If I had said those words a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t even have blinked an eye to be honest. But what I said and thought just made me realize, “I’m not who I want to be right now.”

Then when I went to take a stroll in the park with my mom, I would see people pass by and think angry thoughts about them. Even old people. To be honest, and this is really hard to admit, seeing the weak and vulnerable stirs up a sense of anger and disdain in me. It never hit me as hard as it did today. Because I was always too afraid to admit it. That I’m very bitter and angry inside and that  I’m afraid of being hurt and taken advantage of so I lash out at people. I build up a wall of ice that keeps people just far enough away so that they can’t touch me.

I guess that’s why I only have one best friend and the other one I have is slowly drifting away from me and won’t take my calls.

When I’m at home and reading a Christian book, it’s easy to get excited and then feel like I can go out there and love the homeless and start serving in the soup kitchen asap. But in reality, I’m more angry and my heart is made of stone more than I realize.

Then I went home and I saw an angry message from someone who wanted my help on his biography. He submitted this long and outdrawn document and asked me to help him summarize it. It’s exactly the type of project I don’t like. Things have been busy and chaotic lately what with the influx of work I’ve gotten along with BEC drawing near so I haven’t had the time to reply to him. He kept sending me messages like ‘hello’ ‘hello’ and ‘any update’. If you want to work with someone, maybe try showing more enthusiasm.

So I sent a message yesterday respectfully declining, saying “Hi! Thanks for reaching out but I won’t be able to take on this project currently. Best of luck to you!”

He wrote back, “So why did you waste my time?”

And I took his bait this morning. Without stopping, I wrote back, “Hmmm, I’m not the one who kept messaging these past few days to someone who’s clearly not interested. I’m grateful that I won’t be working with you and I do not need to reply to your messages. Good luck and God bless!”

Then I immediately felt ashamed after pressing send cause I realized that no matter who’s right or wrong, this wasn’t the way I wanted to treat someone. Yea, he’s rude, but that doesn’t mean I have to be rude either.

I’m proud to say though that after he sent another message trying to bait me into getting angry, I just reported and blocked him.

What scares me the most about myself right now is my lack of love for people who need help.

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