Updates

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After the shitty day on Tuesday, Wednesday sort of redeemed itself. We had a day-long event from 10am to 6pm at the Pasadena Rose Bowl. I cast all my cares upon the Lord. My confidence was still sinking by then.

The event itself was interesting. It started with a women’s brunch. I realized that it’s normal to feel awkward and out of place at first. I think in time, I’ll start to feel like I fit in more. Until now, it’s time to just do my best to learn, to absorb, and to be present. And to focus.

I sat at a table with two of the people that I worked with during my internship. They were actually part of the reason why I wanted to switch industries. Particularly, there was one who really intimidated me. However, she ended up nominating me to receive a book at the table and she called me Ophie… it was shocking. I see her a lot differently now. Most of the intimidation has turned into a kind of fondness for her.

During the market meeting where many of the CIPS partners and leaders were present, I got to stand up and receive applause because I was one of those who passed my exams. Additionally, I got introduced as a new hire and they got to learn about my hobbies and whatnot. It was interesting.

One pet peeve I have is when people expect you to treat them differently or to kiss ass. I told this face-to-face with the director I met today  – who’s been with the firm for over 15 years and has actually been invited to be a partner several times – “I just don’t kiss ass.”

Whether you are a partner or an intern, I treat you the same. With respect. Unless the economy is doing really badly, I won’t grovel and kiss ass.

So I was just sitting there minding my own business and jotting down notes when the guy next to me asks to borrow a pen. I smile and say, “sure!” and hand him the pen. He gives me a sarcastic smile and says, “Yeah, well, this pen is for a manager so I’d definitely say yes to that too.”

I turned my head and looked away. Like, seriously.

It’s like that last Toastmasters meeting I went to. One of them mentioned a partner at the firm and it seemed like he was waiting for me to fall over my feet so I could network. If anything, I think the best bond I can make with a partner, a manager, or anyone else is by having a good quality of work and being a good person.

(Except for that one partner I met during Launch.. who is an amazing individual)

I also briefly saw my relationship leader – who is quite a reserved woman. Reserved and definitely a hard-ass – but not necessarily in a bad way. She didn’t really seem interested in getting to know me. It’s kind of a disappointment because my relationship partner during my internship was the total opposite. My relationship leader is more of a cut-and-dried type of person. She seems like she definitely tells it like it is.

My relationship partner was warm, vivacious, and energetic. However, I didn’t know if I could fully trust him or how fond he truly was of me. He told me at the end of my internship that I could call him anytime I needed help and that he wanted me to be on all his engagements. However, I don’t know how genuinely he really meant that.

My relationship leader on the other hand… I’m meeting her for coffee this Tuesday. For 20 minutes. By her choice, of course. Hey, it’s 20 minutes to start with.

I got to meet some people at the market team meeting event. I sat a table at a women’s brunch with the US leader of my industry as well as a senior manager. I totally fucked up. I don’t want to talk about it… but I fucked up.

My buddy is okay, I guess. He has this habit of walking away when I’m talking to him. Like, mid-conversation, he’ll just walk away like he doesn’t care. I feel like he has a lot of contempt for me… but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now. I mean, we’ll be working together quite a lot… so yeah -__-.

Today, I went to another one of the Chief Auditor trainings. Once again, I wish I had spoken up. I felt intimidated about having the wrong answer. It’s in contrast to this audit class I took which was taught by an actual chief auditor (who’s also the head chief auditor of OC if I remember correctly).

During our final presentation, we were talking about accounts receivable confirmations. The other team had failed to answer a question about two different set of accounting standards. However, I had thought of that question last minute and decided to research it before the presentation. Although I still got the answer wrong, the class applauded me for actually having an answer and the teacher seemed to accept my answer.

Even though I had the wrong answer, it was enough that I spoke up. However, is the world so kind? Is it better to be quiet and not say the wrong answer or to speak up and give a wrong answer?

Either way, the director who was leading the training today actually worked closely with the chief auditor I met for coffee later on. They worked on non-profits together early on in their career. The director was the person who I felt blew me off (and not in the good way) in my last post. We had a very, very nice conversation and he actually remembers my name now.

God is so interesting that way. Whenever I don’t answer questions in class, when I’m afraid and I end up being quiet, I really start to hate and punish myself. However, God is teaching me something. I’m not sure what it is yet… but He’s definitely making a big learning opportunity for me…

After training, I bumped into a friend on the 11th floor. We caught up while I ate lunch. I found out that we have the same relationship leader and she asked him to help her with a task. I was a bit disappointed that she did not ask me but at the same time, my week has been very hectic and pretty busy.

After quickly eating lunch, I hopped into my car and drove for an hour to Orange County to meet the director. I got there an hour early – perfect- and the wifi was super fast. I got to talk to a new friend at the firm through Google Chats. She is absolutely adorable.

Then the director came. I gave him an awkward hug and he bought me a tea. We sat down and started to chat. He gave me a lot of great career advice. Honestly, it felt good to talk to him.

He is someone who uses compliments quite sparingly in my opinion. This is versus my relationship partner – who was really warm and enthusiastica bout me towards the end of my internshi pbut who I truly wonder if he really liked me. How do I know? Well, the HR manager said that my relationship partner and I were quite a ike. She said, word for word, “you and Sean are a lot alike.”

One thing I do is I give a lot of praise even when it’s just to encourage the other person. Not when I necessarily mean it. It’s a thing I am working on… because I don’t want to hand out compliments meaninglessly.

So… was Sean doing that? Who knows. He’s a national partner so he’s actually more situated in the Vermont office. I think he is fond of me but not enough to meet me for lunch if it doesn’t suit his schedule. By that, I mean because he – like my relationship leader – is INCREDIBLY busy.

And that’s why I am okay with the 20 minutes coffee with my relationship leader. And why I am grateful for the hour that I got to spend with the director today. As a new associate who’s unassigned this week, I pretty much have TOTAL flexibility with my schedule. However, they have incredibly hectic schedules.

A manager also offered to take me on a tour of the client’s office tomorrow and have coffee afterwards. However, he ended up cancelling because of a meeting. I totally understand this as well because I’m living the chill life right now. I’m sure in a few years, I’ll be in the same place.

The director I met today was known among Orange County schools for being a bit intimidating and frosty. I first saw him in 2015 and I would NEVER have imagined actually meeting him for coffee today.

So when he said that he was absolutely sure I’d do well, I was super encouraged.

At the same time, there’s this huge feeling of fear and lack of confidence in me.

This week, I got to attend trainings meant for those who have more experience than me. I got to meet with a director who helped develop the firm’s audit program. I got to sit with US leaders at a champagne brunch at a golf club.

However, I feel a little bit like I am walking on a tight-rope. That I might slip and fall at any moment and my mask will slip off and people will see me for who I feel like I am inside: not good enough.

And this feeling has really been affecting my faith. Going in, I gave God a TON of lip service and said that it was all about Him. However, my faith is being put to the test. God has presented me with an opportunity to demonstrate trust in Him. I can either trust Him and be more forgiving of my fears and mistakes… or I can trust myself and get a stress-induced ulcer.

I truly and prayerfully hope it will be the first option.

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Shitty Day

Today was a really shitty day.

However, I did learn one thing: you can’t control how people react to you or what they think about you. You can only control how you act towards other people.

Today was super depressing. A lot of people say that associates are at the bottom of the totem pole and I kind of understood why today. But I think it’s just like being a new board member in a club. You have to be patient and give it time… above all, you have to prove yourself.

Plus, God’s been good to me and I am grateful for the networking opportunities that I do have. On Thursday, I’m grabbing coffee with one of the developers of the audit program that the firm uses around the world. On Friday, a manager at the client I’m on until April is going to give me a tour of the office and have coffee with me afterwards.

I went to a training meeting meant for experienced associates and seniors today. My plan was just to observe quietly and try to learn from their answers. However, they ended up not speaking up at all. Only or one or two really had anything to say. And so my friend spoke up instead (he tagged along with me last minute).

I think what affected me the most was knowing the answer to something… and not saying it because I didn’t feel confident. Of all feelings, this is the one that messes me up the most. Fear.

However, I know that this is a growing pain God put in my life. He made it just for me. So I have to accept it.

From my purse breaking to this one guy brushing me off when I introduced myself to getting a mediocre haircut… today was a total shit sandwich. But yesterday was an awesome day (the guy at the parking garage didn’t charge me to pass through the toll and I had an amazing day with friends).

Tomorrow is going to be a long day of just networking. I have a women’s event at 10am that I’m helping bring supplies for, the market team meeting at 1pm and happy hours and whatnot afterwards. I’m also going to meet my relationship leader tomorrow. I’m also probably going to see the manager I’m having coffee with on Friday.

As I go in tomorrow, I’m going to keep in mind that I cannot control how others react to me. I can only control how I act.

Maybe one of the reasons why I didn’t speak up was because I’m self-conscious about my slurring. I pronounce words awkwardly, something I am trying to fix. But God will help me fix it. I am certain that if I try my best and aim at the right things in life, He will help me achieve it.

I have a set amount of time I really want to stay at the firm. Then it’s time to leave. I don’t want to be an auditor my whole life – I want to be the client, one day. I think transitioning to the client and paying it forward and back to the firm in a senior finance level at another company may be something God wants me to achieve later in life. What God has planned for me is a lot like watching an artist sketch a picture.

Everyone gets lemons. I got a lot of lemons today… but everyone gets lemons. Like I read on another wordpress post, God is there to embrace me when I get lemons in life.

Today was full of lemons. 😦

Surrendering Control

This morning, I woke up and felt the emotion guilt. Just guilt. Guilt for having feelings for someone I shouldn’t have feelings for. Guilt for thinking about that person a lot. Guilt for losing faith in God and putting my trust in man instead.

Upon laying there in bed, I prayed and let myself soak in God’s word. And then it came to me that maybe of all people, God understands. He understands how much of a struggle it can be to deal with your emotions and feelings. Hebrews says that Jesus experienced every kind of temptation – and because He has experienced it too, He understands and He’s patient with me.

It seems that the biggest issue that I have now is learning how to surrender control to God. Trying to grasp control reveals itself in my life in a variety of ways. But all of them have one thing in common – the urge to strive ceaselessly. And the Bible warns against striving ceaselessly.

Psalm 46:1 says

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

Instead of striving ceaselessly, God has asked me to be still and to be present. Rather than not reaching for my goals, God is compelling me to be content. To be patient. To wait. And above all, to trust and to have faith.

Training

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Mediocre

Training was an S-show. Basically, I sat with four really outgoing guys and two really smart girls. The outgoing guys were loud and distracted me from my work so that at some points in the course, I had no idea what was going on. Meanwhile, the girl next to me could rattle off things this way and that like she knew everything. It was disconcerting to me because I was used to playing that role. The other girl was very smart as well. There were a lot of times when I felt left out.

One of the instructors, a manager, told me that it wasn’t me. I just had a bad table. In his words, the guys had big personalities and the girls were smart but had no personality. It really wrecked my confidence. While I started off the first week strong and answered questions in class and did my best to speak up and be authentic, it kind of fizzled out the second week.

It was a culmination of different factors – including a moment I had with the manager where he said that he wanted a smart associate and I suddenly feared that I wasn’t smart enough.

If you look at my exam scores, the fact that I wrote a memo about hybrid financial instruments on three hours of caffeine and carried my team, and more, then it seems that I am smart.

But there were moments in class where I really hated myself because I knew the answer but was too afraid to be wrong. So I didn’t raise my hand. But I was right all along. Or when my team was talking about the right answer and I had a feeling it was the wrong answer – and I turned out to be right but they turned out to be wrong.

Another reason why training was stressful was because of a certain person at my table. On day two, I started to get flashbacks to when I first got involved in A/S and there were these two girls who absolutely hated me. I won’t say for no reason.

One, probably because my personality was a bit quirky. I am a quirky person.

But two – and this accounts for most of it – because our leader played favorites. The VP of membership was this guy who enjoyed having all four of his membership chairs and his marketing director be an all-girl team. I, along with a few others, could tell that the marketing director and membership chair at the time had feelings for him.

But apparently he was quite fond of me because he kept calling me his favorite. Over and over again. In front of them. In group chats. “That’s why you’re my favorite, Ophie.”

And yeah, no matter how many times I tried to make small talk that semester, they would shoot me down. One-word answers. Turning the other way.

Even though they eventually became nice to me, those events have completely soiled my image of them. First off, because the semester that they actually did become nice to me was when I got my offer. A friend summed it up as “now that Cooper wants you, everyone wants to talk to you.”

However, I’m the type of person who treats everyone the same. Whether you’re a partner or an intern or part of guest services, I will treat you the same.

The girl at my training table I think was just a bit threatened. I think it was also because our personalities clashed. I am a bubbly person and she is more of a cut-and-dried type of person. So to make her feel more comfortable, I just stopped speaking up as much. And it worked.

The manager told my friend (who told him that I was feeling left out) that I was also the only Asian at my table. I thought it was interesting he mentioned that. While I don’t think race plays a big part of it, everyone else at the table was Caucasian. I just didn’t fit in from the start. And that’s okay.

I think God put me in that position to humble me. What do you do when you’re working with people who are more outgoing than you and smarter than you? You get humbled. You realize that everything you have is not from you. It’s from God.

I think He also put me there to show me how to work with people I wouldn’t necessarily be friends with in real life. People that I would judge from the get-go. I ended up liking some of the people at my table – more than I thought I would, actually.

It was a pretty stressful experience because I started to lose faith, first and foremost. However, I gave God a lot of lip service. I kept telling Him, “God, it’s not about me. It’s about You. If I accomplish anything, it’s You.”

So now… it looks like God is helping me put the money where my mouth is.

God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. 1 Cor 1:28-29

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Lust

Yesterday, I met up with two of my friends who are working in an industry that I was interested in. We went to Clifton’s in downtown Los Angeles. First, we had an amazing meal. It was a complete foodgasm. Clifton’s has three venues so we went from story-to-story getting different drinks. First came the .36 cocktails. Then came the Moscow Mule which was AMAZING. Then came the Zombie, half of which I spilled because I got DRUNK FOR THE FIRST TIME.

And when I got drunk for the first time in front of my mentors, I started to spill secrets. First about my unrequited love for someone that I worked with last summer during my internship (who they thought was a slimebag, but he will always hold a special place in my heart). Second about my affinity for S&M.

I will be the first to admit that I am a kinky person. Although I am saving myself for marriage and have no interest in dating, I’ve always had an interest in certain things sexually. Repressing my sexuality led to some wild moments in my life where I compromised on my faith.

There was someone who I would’ve given the world for if he had asked me to. But I felt guilty for having feelings for him. I don’t even remember why but I just felt a ton of guilt. So I ignored him and didn’t give him the time of day, even when he came to talk to me a few times or the rare moments we made eye contact. I liked him on-and-off for about seven years.

I never knew how angry I felt about not being able to confess my feelings for him and trying to repress them until I went on a date with someone solely for the purpose of making out with him. I went in there with a new pack of lip balms. I knew what I wanted. I was feeling upset and bored. My faith was lukewarm. And I felt lonely, to be honest.

So when we went on that date, we made out the entire time. There I was. One of the most repressed people I knew. Making out with a guy in a theater. We sat in the back of Quantum Solace in an almost empty theater. I wore a leopard scarf and boots. As we kissed passionately, I put my legs over his lap.

After the movie, we walked out into the cold and I was grasping onto his arm. He led me to his car. It was a sleek Lexus that sat low. We drove in circles and would kiss and make out at every stoplight.

See, like I said, there were some wild moments. I definitely regret each one. However, every single one spawned out of repression. You repress it and repress it until it spills over and you do something crazier than you would’ve if you had been honest in the first place.

So recently, I’ve just recommitted myself to being authentic and honest again. Authentic as in not repressing my personality or myself for the sake of fitting in. And being honest about my faith. And with that, being honest and stepping out into the light. Being honest about being kinky. Being honest about who I am.

I told them about some of my escapades and they looked a bit shell-shocked. I wouldn’t be surprised if word got around. However, it’s just who I am. And I’m not ashamed.

At the same time, I find that when I am afraid, I put my trust in man rather than God. Yesterday, my friend remarked that my type was probably for men who are in power. I shrugged and said yeah. He twirled his straw in his drink and said, “Well, they tend to want a stay-at-home wife.”

I thought for a moment and said, “Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.”

However, I know that God wants me to trust in Him.

Praise the Lord! Yes, really praise him! I will praise him as long as I live, yes, even with my dying breath.

Don’t look to men for help; their greatest leaders fail; for every man must die. His breathing stops, life ends, and in a moment all he planned for himself is ended. But happy is the man who has the God of Jacob as his helper, whose hope is in the Lord his God— the God who made both earth and heaven, the seas and everything in them. He is the God who keeps every promise, who gives justice to the poor and oppressed and food to the hungry. He frees the prisoners and opens the eyes of the blind; he lifts the burdens from those bent down beneath their loads. For the Lord loves good men. He protects the immigrants and cares for the orphans and widows. But he turns topsy-turvy the plans of the wicked.

10 The Lord will reign forever. O Jerusalem,[a] your God is King in every generation! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!

I think I understand more about what Jesus meant when He said we could either worship Him or worship money. I can trust in myself, in my network, and maybe even in my sexuality to get myself ahead. Or I can just be an honest person. And be an authentic person even if it means I won’t get promoted on time. Even if means I have to leave. I can choose to be an honest, authentic, real person who puts her trust in God.

And that’s who I want to be. And that’s who I choose.

Starting Work

So I’m still in training but I started work about a week and a half ago. It’s been interesting so far.

The instructors have been three managers. Two of them have mutual acquaintances. There’s one in the Financial Services industry that works extensively with two friends of mine – one of which I’ve known since I was a sophomore and recruiting for SLP for the first time.

I think my biggest fear when I realized this was that I would embarrass myself and word would get back to my mentors. However, God has been teaching me how to conquer my fear. He’s taught me how to let go – especially of control.

When I was super involved on campus, I could go into a room full of people and have most of them know who I was. I could implement a lot of what I wanted into this huge organization. I loved that feeling of control and of making things happen.

However, the feeling of losing control first began in December when I caught impetigo for the first time. From then on, it was injury after injury and infection after infection. There were moments of me laying in bed, the entire upper part of my body burning in pain. I even caught a staph infection in my first week of work.

I am also losing control because I’m, in a way, starting over. When I was in college, I was a freelance writer, I worked for my parent’s company, and I was involved on campus. Everything I did was very independent. I could control and set my own schedule. I was my own boss.

Now, I’ll have a boss. Multiple bosses.

I’m also starting in an industry that I’m thinking about switching from because I clashed with a few people during my internship. What I can say is – I truly did try. I tried to take instruction the best I could. I tried to be a good intern. However, it just didn’t work out. I don’t know how they feel about me… it’s probably not good ):

At the same time, this morning, the manager pulled me aside into a room before training began. My friend had told him that I was feeling left out at my table. Can I just say how much of a challenge it was trying to get along with my training table at first? There are four guys who have these big, vivacious personalities and can get along with anyone. Then there are two girls who are incredibly smart. And then there’s me. Feeling stuck in the middle.

It was humbling. It was definitely a big loss of control.

During my internship, one of the most critical feedback I got was being too hard on myself. So here I was. Comparing myself to others. Beating myself up whenever I got an answer wrong or when I didn’t speak up or when I didn’t know how to talk about football.

The loss of control doesn’t stop there. Next week will bring with it a lot of networking events – events where some of the people I clashed with during my internship will be.

However, there is something relishing and exhilarating about this loss of control. I know that I can trust God to come through for me and to help me. Out of this loss and this chaos, He can bring a new form of light.

An alumni from my school invited me to be on his client and I accepted. The engagement team ended up scheduling me from October to April. That’s really awesome. I guess what I am afraid of is failing their expectations. But I’ve decided that I can only do the best that I can do. The rest is up to God.

New Insights

This weekend, I had planned to attend the mentoring program and help out my alma matter. I was also going to meet up with a friend before the program and a student after the program. My mentor from the firm – or I’m not sure if I can call him that anymore – also had tickets to this showing and wanted to hang out. I was also going to check out a new church today.

However, all my plans flew straight out the window when I got a giant blister under my lip. I don’t freak out about a white head or two but this was a huge blister that looked suspiciously more like a boil. In fact, I was sure it was a boil and my suspicions were confirmed by a doctor later. That was on the FIRST day of work.

On the second day of work, I woke up with an itching on my knee and stupidly scratched it before climbing out of bed and getting ready to go to the office. Throughout the day, it got hotter and itchier until it became full-blown cellulitis. That was the SECOND day of work. And on a Friday no less.

So Saturday. I spent Saturday going to the doctor, getting my antibiotics. My knee was on fire and was hot to touch. Instead of going out, I ended up staying in and relaxing. But through this weekend, even though I did not go out and my plans ended up being reversed, I can say that God has done a lot. I can see why God did it.

It’s opened a door for new insights.

One is that God is going to allow me to be sick sometimes and to hurt. He’s going to allow me to go through difficult experiences. When my faith was less developed, it was easy to think that God was going to give me a life filled with paved ivory paths. In the end though, I know it is not going to be a primrose road.

I was listening to Heather Lindsey’s message when she mentioned how she ended up having a miscarriage. She thought she was pregnant but it was just an empty sac. In her words, she went through all the difficulties of pregnancy but ended up with no child.

I felt discouraged and annoyed at first that I got staph infections literally the day I started work. However, I realized that God lets these things happen for a reason. And that while I’m on this earth, there will be sickness and death. It will touch me. Because I’m not in my own bubble anymore. God wants me to be able to relate to others.

 

Having a staph blister under my lip also helped me to learn how to listen. On day one, I was very talkative and excited to meet new people. I didn’t ask them about their stories as much as I talked about mine. I realized this on day two when it was hard to talk and I could not even really smile because the blister was painful and getting bigger. When I learned to listen, I found that

a.) I had more social energy and didn’t feel exhausted by the end of the day

b.) I was calmer

c.) I felt better about each interactions

For instance, I got to know a friend on a deeper level when instead of talking about myself, I got to ask about his heritage and his background.

 

I also realized something enormous this weekend. I realized that it’s not about me anymore. Whether I am working as a janitor, as an auditor, or as a business executive, the story will ALWAYS be about God. And that in itself gives so much freedom. It truly is not about Ophelia. It is not about me. It is about Him.

When we think that the story is about us, there’s the pressure to perform, to be the best and there’s the tendency to compare, to be jealous, and to envy.

Today, laying in bed with a pulsing knee, I realized that it is about God. It’s about Him. My whole life and my story revolves around doing what He has called me to do. Someday, I will be with Him and there will be no more staph and no more pain or hard bosses. Until then, God has promised to be with me through each trial and guide me through.

 

Finally, I also saw the senior and the manager I worked with last summer at a panel on my first day. They weren’t people I got along with. It was a personality disconnect. I don’t know what happened honestly. I did try my best though :/.

The senior said something that made me sit up. She said, “Don’t come in with a chip on your shoulder just because you won some case study. Be humble.”

It made me pause for a moment because I had something along the lines of winning a case study last summer. However, at least it was a good reminder to be humble (: .

I’m just going to do my best to follow God and fulfill what He has for me to do at the firm.

He showed me one way to have charisma just by being His representative. And that’s to realize that everyone , every single person, is in his or her own way looking for God. They might not say it but what do virtually all human beings desire? Fulfillment. Joy. And above all, happiness.

The only way people can find happiness, the Christian belief goes, is to be with God.

That’s an eye opening revelation that has touched me very strongly this weekend. It helps me realize that people are people. It helps me know how to have mercy.

Weerrrkkkk

I started work on Thursday!

Thursday was orientation. I got to see a lot of familiar faces and friends I made during my internship. My fear was that it would be hard to make new friends but I actually made a lot of new friends. After orientation, we sat outside and had coffee and talked about our internships and what we were hoping to accomplish during our time at the firm.

I think one promise I made to myself in terms of starting is to be as authentic as possible. Even if it costs me my performance review, I must be authentic and I need to be myself. No more stifling. And I think the best way to be charismatic is to strive to be the best representative of Jesus that I can be.

It’s also like what Heather Lindsey said – God put me on this earth for a unique purpose and if I’m not myself, I won’t be able to fulfill it.

When I went home on Thursday though, I realized that I probably had yet another staph infection on my face… right under my lip, too. Probably the second worst timing ever.

Friday though was pretty great as well. I ended up getting an infection on my knee as well but I still got myself to work. I didn’t drive because I wasn’t feeling well, I could barely walk, so I took an uber. Taking an uber was a fantastic experience. The driver was a cool guy and I got to sip my water coolly and look out the window and not have to worry about anything. It was the bomb.

I am really grateful to God for alleviating my fears about making friends. I like the people in my start class – even though I haven’t met many of them (since the LA office is so big, we have three different start dates compared to other offices). Even though getting a staph infection as well as cellulitis on my knee isn’t fun, I trust that He has a reason. I really do.

I had to cancel my entire weekend though. I had two meetings today along with the mentoring program. I also wanted to catch up with a friend from my firm at an event tonight. But sadly, my leg is on fire.

The person from my firm is someone that I called my mentor. I mean, he’s a good person but he can be really sarcastic. Alas, he is a senior and he was my interview buddy during my second interview with the firm. I try to keep in touch with him. I texted him yesterday and he said he had an extra ticket to Cinespia, and I would’ve loved to go but I had to be like, “yeah, well :/ I have a staph infection so I can’t :/”

He was like “aight.”

The thing is though that people can smell desperation. In terms of networking, I want to approach it so that it can be a mutually beneficial thing. Even if I am finding a mentor who’s years ahead of me, I can pay that mentor back by working the hardest I can for them and by paying it forward too. And if I have a mentor who doesn’t share the same affinity for giving back, then maybe I would be better off without that mentor.

So I’m on my way to the doctor now to get my staph infection checked out.